New Year, Same Thoughts...

 I think after yesterday's post, my brain decided to recall memories of every girl I've talked to or been friends with and project them into my consciousness. It didn't make much sense, but the dreams defiently brought a wave of depression over me.

There a reason behind every girl who stopped talking to me. Maybe we just drifted apart, or maybe I expressed my feelings for them and made it awkward lol. Every time that happened though, I learned something more about myself. 

For example, a girl I met in eleventh grade "H" was someone I honestly thought I had a future with. We would FaceTime every night, and always had something to talk about. We never had any dry conversations, and we would usefully end up falling asleep on the call. So.. After a while, I decided to ask her out. she said:

"No... Not yet..."

 It was obviously awkward for a few days after that, but we managed to get right back to where we were.

During Christmas break though, something changed. She stopped calling, she started only giving me dry replies over text like "haha' or "ya" and I was worried that maybe she was over me. She would still call me though, but only to talk about other guys. It honestly hurt more than if she just stopped talking to me altogether. So then I started to become dry.. and she just started to ghost me. 

The last time I talked to her was 4 years ago, when I drove to the college she was attending to catch up. It was nice to see her, but it just felt awkward... After a few hours, she gave me a big hug on my way out and I left. I haven't heard anything from her since then. 

She really meant a lot to me, and it was the first girl that I truly saw myself with long term. I know she's with a new guy now, and she would post pictures together that looked like she was truly happy. At the end of the day, that's all I wanted. I wanted to see her happy, and that's what makes me happy. 

PS.. Happy New Year!

Someone I'm Thinking About...

Have you ever met a girl or a guy that you just can't forget? Someone who lasted a huge impression on you?

When I was in the fourth grade, I met a girl named Erika. I had such a big crush on her, though I knew that she would never been interested in me. We were never close, but we were still friends...

When we got to middle school, were didn't ever see each other much since we were in different classes and had different friend groups. I would occasionally message her on Facebook and I would sometimes get a reply back...

Then, in high school, we didn't talk... at all... I met new girls to crush on, had tons of friends to hang out with, and so did her. However, through all of the drama and gossip I had to sift through in high school, I never forgot about her. Throughout all the years in high school, I still believed her to be amazing.

Years later, she started coming into the store where I worked to hang out. That feeling I had in fourth grade was still there.. just as strong... I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I just couldn't build up the courage to admit it to her. I thought she would find it weird, and I didn't want to ruin the friendship.

Even now, I still think about her from time to time. It's been years since I've seen or heard anything about her. Even more so since I left social media. 

I know she'll never see this, but I wish her the best in whatever endeavors comes her way. She will always be a happy part of my life.

New Years Eve

 2025 is coming to a close...

This year was full of events, and more importantly, I realized a lot about myself. I'm not sure what 2026 will bring me, but I know I'll make the most of it.

I wish all of you a Happy New Year and may 2026 be full of new experiences and opportunities!

Friends...

 I hope everyone had a great holiday!

I was going through some of the data I exported out of my Facebook account before deleting it and I stumbled on a video from 2011 that I didn't even know I posted. In the video, I was talking about how "stupid" I was and how nobody liked me at school. I said that in order for people to notice me, I would throw woodchips at myself and make people laugh.

I was surprised that even at that age, I was showing signs of depression. The way I spoke, the way I talked about myself, and how I posted that to Facebook to maybe get attention. I found it completely unbelievable.

I had friends in elementary school, but looking back on it now, I'm not sure if they were real friends or if they just thought I was funny or just felt sorry for me. I guess I'll never know. But now, it doesn't matter. I have my friends, and they mean everything to me. 

I think the whole moral of this story is that I doesn't matter how other perceive you or how many friends you have, what matters is that finding someone or even a group of people that you truly enjoy being around. It's not the number of friends you have, but its how they make you feel.

Christmas Eve

 It's Christmas Eve, and this year, my family and I have no decorations up. There's no beautiful tree, no lights broadcasting that holiday feeling to all the neighbors driving past, nothing. The holidays don't really even mean anything to our family anymore. Since my father has dementia, any change in his surroundings causes him to fall into disorientation, which just leads into arguments...

On the one hand, I don't mind that we don't decorate for the holidays. It's just a waste of time and money. Whatever we put up, just has to come down again in a month. On the other though, I feel sad looking at my family as a whole. We don't have extended family like most others, nor do we have any friends that come over to visit. It's just us. Me, my mom, and my dad.

Ultimately however, it's how you spend the holidays that matter. If simply being present and together like us is enough, then no amount of decorations can make it better. 

Merry Christmas!

I don't know...

 My best friend graduated last week, and I'm incredibly proud of him. During his graduation ceremony, I started to think how far "behind" I am compared to all my old classmates. Most of them have graduated with at least a bachelors, maybe started a family, or even achieved "fame". I however did none of that. I spent five years of my life working at a retail store that didn't value me or my work. Sure, I met a lot of people and had to deal with all sorts of situations that gave me valuable experience, but leaving that job on bad terms, I was left with nothing professionally.

This feeling haunts me every time I get rejected for a job (over 550 applications). I feel trapped. And because the cost of education is completely unaffordable for me (I don't qualify for student loans. It's a long story), I'm stuck in this cycle of nothingness 

I tried to start a YouTube channel about psychology this year (https://www.youtube.com/@LabPsychodynamika), but I feel like no one cares about my work because I don't have the qualifications to teach yet. 

So... now... I just sit and think about how I can grow as a person and hope that I can get back on the path towards success. It'll come one day, I just know it.

Welcome!

 I've decided to disappear from mainstream social media. I just don't see the point anymore of posting things that get drowned out by the overwhelming amount ai slop.

At the end of the day, I have three true friends. What's the point of seeing what everyone else is doing or trying to show others how "great" their life is. I don't care about that. I talk to my friends face to face, not over instagram posts. 

Anyways, this space is just for me. I don't really know what I'll be writing about, however, whatever thoughts I have will just appear here lol.